why? atopic/perioral dermatitis, impetigo, skin issues.

ok so, third post in a row. I figured i’d get into my current situation because I’m currently at “why” number 500.

background: i’ve had atopic dermatitis my whole life. if you don’t know, it’s more commonly known as eczema and it’s a skin condition that takes its form through an itchy, annoying, scaly rash. it can be anywhere on your body and there are two types that people can get: a temporary one, that goes away within a short time frame. and then there’s the permanent one, the one you have forever. guess which one I got?!?!

yeah. so it’s been a bitch to deal with from childhood to now. it’s why I have low confidence to this day, and it continues to plague me. I mostly had to deal with it on my body growing up, so I was able to cover it most of the time when going out. the most noticeable part was always my neck. and unless it was summer time, I was able to cover it with turtle necks and scarves. but summer. I have ALWAYS dreaded the summer. it was always the time where I knew it would become difficult to hide my skin condition. that didn’t stop me from trying. I was the oddball kid wearing long sleeves and never shorts.

so, it was always a struggle for me. I always felt unattractive. it wasn’t till high school that I started wearing makeup and dressing better and slowly raising my self-esteem, as boys came into the picture. but it wasn’t really enough.

getting to the point: my face was pretty much the only thing I had that wasn’t plagued by this shitty condition.

however, about three summers ago, I went on a trip to puerto rico with my mom and family. I’m not sure what happened, but I began getting redness on my face that turned into a horrible breakout. the heat in puerto rico did not help at all. I looked like shit. I couldn’t even enjoy my much needed vacation because of it. we were there for 3 weeks, and each day I’d wish we could cut the vacation short and go back home. I had no idea what was going on with my face, but I needed to see my doctor. eventually we got back home and a (shitty) dermatologist prescribed me hydrocortisone cream, which is a steroid. I wasn’t really trying to look into it. all I knew was that as I started using it on my face, it began to get clear. and then bam, that horrible breakout went away. I convinced myself that I needed to consistently use the cream in order to avoid that ever happening again. and so I did. not knowing that using steroids for a long period of time is a bad. bad. idea. duh, I should have known but I really didn’t even know then that it was a steroid.

cut to more present time, I started getting pimples about a year or so ago. it sucked, but it was always just one or two at a time. however, recently I began getting some itchy, small, white bumps around my nose. those bumps spread down to my mouth. it was red and looked like I had a red mustache. I googled and found exactly what it looked like. perioral dermatitis. great. even more great, the people speaking about it on various sites said it can go away with antibiotics, but still come back at any time. I went to a dermatologist who took a swab of it and told me it was an infection. he didn’t mention perioral dermatitis, but it didn’t matter because it was obvious. he prescribed me doxycycline and said to take it for a week and then come back. I did, and it wasn’t gone. so he said to take it for another week. it began to get better but still not fully gone. and honestly, I think it was the diet that I went on that helped. not the antibiotics. I’ll get into my current diet in another post.

anyway, after the 2 weeks he told me to stop the antibiotics, and I feared I hadn’t been on it long enough. but I stopped after realizing that the condition can be due to a candida infection in the body which is an overgrowth of yeast. antibiotics cause a yeast overgrowth. so yeah, I figured being off them would be for the best. now, if you thought my suffering was over with, you’re wrong. although it was curing up thanks to my diet, I still had some bumps that were oddly crusting up and turning yellow. I didn’t realize that this was an infectious condition called impetigo. again, google is my doctor. I know self-diagnosing is wrong but it’s pretty clear from the photos and the symptoms. impetigo is infectious and doesn’t go away for about 2-3 weeks. it can also come back.

so this is my life now. i’m dealing with this nasty, crusting shit on my face. i’m still curing from the perioral dermatitis that can flare up at any time. my face, the one thing I ever had going for me, is now plagued by two different, yet similar conditions. this is not adding the eczema I already deal with on my body.

so, do I even need to ask? yes, I do … why?

why? re: my username

I still don’t know how this fully works but if you can see my username, it’s 5th3lement. I kinda felt like explaining it because it’s one of the things I can talk about forever.

the fifth element. if you haven’t seen it, see it. it’s my favorite movie ever and I don’t care what anyone thinks. that movie has like, every thing I love about movies in one. action, drama, comedy, and the occasional romance. what else? it has milla. fucking. jovovich. aka the best action actress, in my opinion. bruce willis is pretty great and surprisingly cute in it too. oh and I can’t forget chris tucker, in one of the funniest roles ever.

why else do I love this movie? there’s something really weird about it that i’ve never been able to explain. from the first moment I saw it as a kid, I always thought it was much different than many of the movies I had seen. maybe it’s the futuristic elements to it, which still work well today. (we still don’t have flying cars?)

maybe it’s the weird aliens in it … or maybe it’s the amazing, and one of most intriguing characters ever, Diva Plavalaguna. I think her opera singing scene nails exactly what I mean by the weirdness I’m talking about. that scene is so aesthetically strange, but pulls you in and then ends with an amazing upbeat, ass-kicking track accompanied by great dance moves.

anyway, just felt like talking about that to take my mind off my current situation. again, if you haven’t seen the fifth element go watch. now.

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why? just felt like it.

not sure why, but I felt like creating some kind of blog to serve as an outlet. i’ve been meaning to do it for a while now, but thoughts of “nobody would even read it” to “wait, do I even want people to read the bullshit I go through?” have played in my head and so, I kept putting it off. I’m at a point right now where I can’t really bottle up all of my emotions inside anymore, since I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember. so, here I am as a result.

I guess I can start with a little background info on me…

my name is marie, but not really. but you’ll deal with that. i’m 23 years old and i’m currently in school pursuing a business degree. if you need proof of why my life really isn’t shit: I don’t really know what my calling is. I’ve never really known. you know how kids say what they wanna be when they grow up? I never did that because I had no idea. still don’t. I basically started just telling people I want to own my own business one day, because it’s the most general answer and I guess I wouldn’t mind running my own show. except, I don’t think that’ll ever happen. why? because i’m the most negative thinker of all time and on top of that, I have anxiety and low confidence due to my childhood/adolescence. i’ll probably get into that some time later. maybe.

however, if you look at me you probably wouldn’t be able to tell any of this shit. why? because I don’t like people to know the real me. I put up a facade every single day … you’re probably thinking this is gonna go into some emo, deep quote by someone like marilyn monroe but nope, just being straight up. I don’t like pity. I hate it. I don’t like bothering people with my issues because I feel like it’s annoying to them. and again just for emphasis, I hate being pitied.

and yet, if I told someone exactly what goes on in my head, and what i’ve been through, i’d probably get a pity party thrown with balloons, and dranks and shit. I might get into it all little by little, but I can’t promise that. I’m actually surprised I even wrote this much for my first post, so who knows… point is, I ask myself “why?” about a million times a day. not sure if anyone else does this, but yeah. the word “why” is in regards to so many aspects of my life that I don’t understand, and so I find myself constantly saying it. inside my head, out loud, always.

why?