not sure why, but I felt like creating some kind of blog to serve as an outlet. i’ve been meaning to do it for a while now, but thoughts of “nobody would even read it” to “wait, do I even want people to read the bullshit I go through?” have played in my head and so, I kept putting it off. I’m at a point right now where I can’t really bottle up all of my emotions inside anymore, since I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember. so, here I am as a result.
I guess I can start with a little background info on me…
my name is marie, but not really. but you’ll deal with that. i’m 23 years old and i’m currently in school pursuing a business degree. if you need proof of why my life really isn’t shit: I don’t really know what my calling is. I’ve never really known. you know how kids say what they wanna be when they grow up? I never did that because I had no idea. still don’t. I basically started just telling people I want to own my own business one day, because it’s the most general answer and I guess I wouldn’t mind running my own show. except, I don’t think that’ll ever happen. why? because i’m the most negative thinker of all time and on top of that, I have anxiety and low confidence due to my childhood/adolescence. i’ll probably get into that some time later. maybe.
however, if you look at me you probably wouldn’t be able to tell any of this shit. why? because I don’t like people to know the real me. I put up a facade every single day … you’re probably thinking this is gonna go into some emo, deep quote by someone like marilyn monroe but nope, just being straight up. I don’t like pity. I hate it. I don’t like bothering people with my issues because I feel like it’s annoying to them. and again just for emphasis, I hate being pitied.
and yet, if I told someone exactly what goes on in my head, and what i’ve been through, i’d probably get a pity party thrown with balloons, and dranks and shit. I might get into it all little by little, but I can’t promise that. I’m actually surprised I even wrote this much for my first post, so who knows… point is, I ask myself “why?” about a million times a day. not sure if anyone else does this, but yeah. the word “why” is in regards to so many aspects of my life that I don’t understand, and so I find myself constantly saying it. inside my head, out loud, always.