why? white privilege at its finest.

this isn’t supposed to be an attack, but more so, an observation.

so I’m at the dermatologist and there’s two other women waiting before me. ok fine. in comes this old white woman, maybe in her late 60s. the receptionist, who apparently had already spoken to her says, “yeah I’m sorry he’s backed up today, he came in a little late.” the woman then proceeds to complain about how she told her she needed to be out of here by 12:10 pm (it was 11:30 am), and that they should have informed her that it would be busy … strike one of showing her privilege. the receptionist wouldn’t have known it was going to be backed up today, and why should she bother to call this ONE woman up to inform her of this? girl, please.

the receptionist then apologizes and says she would have called if she had known the doctor would be late.

strike two of showing her privilege: the woman says “okay, well can he just see me now? I have a class to teach.”

???? no one asked you to make an appointment right before your class ma’am … anyway, here’s the rest of the convo:

receptionist: I understand, but these other people were before you and I can’t just let you go first.

woman: ok, but can’t he just see me really quickly, it’s for a small bite.

receptionist: I understand, but he can’t just look at you quickly and come up with a diagnosis. you just need to wait your turn.

woman: but I took the morning off for this, and I won’t be able to come back for a while. so why not just let me see him next? I need to be out of here soon.

receptionist: again, I understand, but these people have things to do as well and have been waiting longer.

she continues to ask why and thennnnn … ready for strike three? she asks each of us waiting if we would mind if she went before us. so the two other women kept their heads down and ignored … and dammit I wish I had gotten the memo. like why didn’t y’all inform me on the low that we were gonna ignore her????

so of COURSE she sees my dumbass look and pleads that I let her go before me. at this point I can’t help but say “it’s fine”. she says thank you. I immediately think to myself “fucking shit. why’d I have to give her the satisfaction of knowing that people like her can get their way each and every time”.

for the next 40 minutes (yes bitch you still had to wait), she continuously asked the receptionist “how much longer?” in a rude tone. how much longer?? … longer than my dumbass will have to wait, don’t worry!

listen, I don’t care what anyone says. this white woman proved that white privilege is very real. if she had been a POC, I think she would have realized we’re all in the same fucking boat and had given up within the first 5 minutes. why do I think that? because naturally, POC are not used to getting their own way most of the time. it’s instilled in us that society doesn’t just hand us a golden ticket whenever we want. so we give in. white people, however, are so used to everything being handed to them on a silver platter. it’s like the kid with the parent who spoils them and knows that if they’re persistent enough, they’ll get that candy they want. this was the perfect example.

this woman gets to go before me for a small bite on her neck, MEANWHILE I look like I have a disease on my face. but it’s my fault, I guess.

…white privilege must be great, man.

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why? blame it on anyone but yourself

when times are hard, it’s so easy to wanna blame every force of nature for the bullshit you endure. one of the hardest things, for me at least, is when you realize you have no one to blame but yourself. YOU put yourself in this situation, no one else. YOU made this decision, no one made it for you. YOU control what happens to you, that’s it.

i’m going through this moment right now. realizing I made a situation worse by not doing what I needed to do. it sucks though, because I’m already hard on myself as it is. sometimes it makes the situation less shitty if you feel it was someone else’s fault, y’know?

sometimes it’s easier to just be like …. why?!?!

Dear researchers/scientists:

More specifically, ones that work on conditions of the body. I realize that there are life-threatening conditions that require tons of research in order to find cures, and that some of them have been in process for decades. I just have one simple petition, to any scientist or researcher out there that will look into what truly causes eczema. Eczema is a condition that affects millions of people daily, and often prevents them from living normal lives. I know that there has been research done, but I wish someone would go deeper. Find a solution to counteract the symptoms that cause this condition. And more importantly, I wish you could implement studies which prove that steroids prescribed for atopic dermatitis is a HORRIBLE idea. And make it aware to all doctors out there.

It’s probably a lot, but the millions of people suffering with this, including me, would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

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why? topical steroid withdrawal

I think I finally figured out what’s wrong with my skin. topical steroid withdrawal. if you don’t feel like googling, it’s when you overuse topical steroids such as creams like hydrocortisone for issues like eczema and your skin becomes addicted. in my case, I’ve been using those kinds of creams on my body for most of my life, and began using the hydrocortisone on my face three years ago. so basically, when you stop using them your skin goes through horrible withdrawal symptoms that can last for months to years. yay! and doctors prescribe these like nothing. not knowing the chaos they’re inflicting on people in the long run.

welp, I guess I have to deal with this now. really don’t know what I’m gonna do with this semester of school as this might get progressively worse….

why.

my list of top shows you should be watching on netflix/hulu/wherever.

not starting the title off with “why” this time, mostly because I didn’t know how to fit it in. don’t worry though, it’s still a thing.

so, if there’s anything i’m highly experienced and knowledgable in, it’s TV shows. I love them. I never really cared for them growing up, unless you count the kiddie shows and sitcoms. but when I was going through my issues about 3 summers ago, I turned to watching TV shows. and I couldn’t stop. they helped take my mind off things and some of them were so damn good. so I’m giving my list of top shows to watch on netflix, or hulu or wherever, for anyone that cares. I think I have good taste so …

1. Chuck

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hands down, my favorite show. I have the DVDs and I’ve watched it over many times. why is this my favorite show? because again, just like the fifth element, it has all the genres I love watching. action, comedy, suspense and romance. chuck is a show for everyone. I mean it. just watch the pilot, and if you’re not into it then you have no soul, and just … leave.

bonus: zachary levi and yvonne strahovski have the best chemistry I’ve ever seen in tv couple history. and they’re both hot as hell.

2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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I don’t think I even need to explain this one. it’s hailed as one of the best TV shows ever. and rightfully so. Buffy is fucking amazing. if there’s anything I love, it’s an ass-kicking female lead. and sarah michelle gellar does an amazing job portraying the character, who honestly serves as the perfect idol for any person watching.

3. Dexter

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I’ve always had a morbid curiosity about many things. growing up i’d watch stuff like forensic files and ghost hunters and shit, and enjoyed every second of it. so when I first heard about dexter, I was sold. going inside the mind of a serial killer? yeah, I’m in. and I’m glad I gave it a shot because it’s really amazing in different ways. there’s people who say the show goes downhill after season 4, but I don’t really agree. I do think you can skip season 7 if you want. it’s about religion stuff … if you needed a reason. people also didn’t like the way the show ended, but I think it worked out in some ways.

if anything, watch season 4. one of the best season finales of TV ever.

4. Breaking Bad

Breaking-Bad

really don’t think I need to explain this one…

5. Orange is The New Black

ORANGE

this shouldn’t really be in my top list since the show hasn’t ended and therefore still has a chance of going to shit. but for now, orange is a great, great show. the 95% female cast is enough of a reason to love it. add to that the fact that there’s so much diversity amongst them. my personal favorite part is the Latina group. I honestly have never watched a show that depicted the people I grew up with, so it’s always so refreshing and cool to watch them. not only that, but they’re an integral part of the cast, not just background characters.

bonus shows I love:

arrow – great comic depiction.

scandal – good, messy ass TV.

house of cards – the smart one of the bunch.

it’s always sunny in philadelphia – funny as hell. also, fucked up.

shameless (US) – title says it all.

friday night lights – mostly seasons 4 and 5 because michael b. jordan.

parenthood – mostly season 2 because michael b. jordan.

alias – i’m still watching this, but another great female ass-kicking lead.

the blacklist – also currently watching. good FBI drama.

and dassit!

why? atopic/perioral dermatitis, impetigo, skin issues.

ok so, third post in a row. I figured i’d get into my current situation because I’m currently at “why” number 500.

background: i’ve had atopic dermatitis my whole life. if you don’t know, it’s more commonly known as eczema and it’s a skin condition that takes its form through an itchy, annoying, scaly rash. it can be anywhere on your body and there are two types that people can get: a temporary one, that goes away within a short time frame. and then there’s the permanent one, the one you have forever. guess which one I got?!?!

yeah. so it’s been a bitch to deal with from childhood to now. it’s why I have low confidence to this day, and it continues to plague me. I mostly had to deal with it on my body growing up, so I was able to cover it most of the time when going out. the most noticeable part was always my neck. and unless it was summer time, I was able to cover it with turtle necks and scarves. but summer. I have ALWAYS dreaded the summer. it was always the time where I knew it would become difficult to hide my skin condition. that didn’t stop me from trying. I was the oddball kid wearing long sleeves and never shorts.

so, it was always a struggle for me. I always felt unattractive. it wasn’t till high school that I started wearing makeup and dressing better and slowly raising my self-esteem, as boys came into the picture. but it wasn’t really enough.

getting to the point: my face was pretty much the only thing I had that wasn’t plagued by this shitty condition.

however, about three summers ago, I went on a trip to puerto rico with my mom and family. I’m not sure what happened, but I began getting redness on my face that turned into a horrible breakout. the heat in puerto rico did not help at all. I looked like shit. I couldn’t even enjoy my much needed vacation because of it. we were there for 3 weeks, and each day I’d wish we could cut the vacation short and go back home. I had no idea what was going on with my face, but I needed to see my doctor. eventually we got back home and a (shitty) dermatologist prescribed me hydrocortisone cream, which is a steroid. I wasn’t really trying to look into it. all I knew was that as I started using it on my face, it began to get clear. and then bam, that horrible breakout went away. I convinced myself that I needed to consistently use the cream in order to avoid that ever happening again. and so I did. not knowing that using steroids for a long period of time is a bad. bad. idea. duh, I should have known but I really didn’t even know then that it was a steroid.

cut to more present time, I started getting pimples about a year or so ago. it sucked, but it was always just one or two at a time. however, recently I began getting some itchy, small, white bumps around my nose. those bumps spread down to my mouth. it was red and looked like I had a red mustache. I googled and found exactly what it looked like. perioral dermatitis. great. even more great, the people speaking about it on various sites said it can go away with antibiotics, but still come back at any time. I went to a dermatologist who took a swab of it and told me it was an infection. he didn’t mention perioral dermatitis, but it didn’t matter because it was obvious. he prescribed me doxycycline and said to take it for a week and then come back. I did, and it wasn’t gone. so he said to take it for another week. it began to get better but still not fully gone. and honestly, I think it was the diet that I went on that helped. not the antibiotics. I’ll get into my current diet in another post.

anyway, after the 2 weeks he told me to stop the antibiotics, and I feared I hadn’t been on it long enough. but I stopped after realizing that the condition can be due to a candida infection in the body which is an overgrowth of yeast. antibiotics cause a yeast overgrowth. so yeah, I figured being off them would be for the best. now, if you thought my suffering was over with, you’re wrong. although it was curing up thanks to my diet, I still had some bumps that were oddly crusting up and turning yellow. I didn’t realize that this was an infectious condition called impetigo. again, google is my doctor. I know self-diagnosing is wrong but it’s pretty clear from the photos and the symptoms. impetigo is infectious and doesn’t go away for about 2-3 weeks. it can also come back.

so this is my life now. i’m dealing with this nasty, crusting shit on my face. i’m still curing from the perioral dermatitis that can flare up at any time. my face, the one thing I ever had going for me, is now plagued by two different, yet similar conditions. this is not adding the eczema I already deal with on my body.

so, do I even need to ask? yes, I do … why?

why? re: my username

I still don’t know how this fully works but if you can see my username, it’s 5th3lement. I kinda felt like explaining it because it’s one of the things I can talk about forever.

the fifth element. if you haven’t seen it, see it. it’s my favorite movie ever and I don’t care what anyone thinks. that movie has like, every thing I love about movies in one. action, drama, comedy, and the occasional romance. what else? it has milla. fucking. jovovich. aka the best action actress, in my opinion. bruce willis is pretty great and surprisingly cute in it too. oh and I can’t forget chris tucker, in one of the funniest roles ever.

why else do I love this movie? there’s something really weird about it that i’ve never been able to explain. from the first moment I saw it as a kid, I always thought it was much different than many of the movies I had seen. maybe it’s the futuristic elements to it, which still work well today. (we still don’t have flying cars?)

maybe it’s the weird aliens in it … or maybe it’s the amazing, and one of most intriguing characters ever, Diva Plavalaguna. I think her opera singing scene nails exactly what I mean by the weirdness I’m talking about. that scene is so aesthetically strange, but pulls you in and then ends with an amazing upbeat, ass-kicking track accompanied by great dance moves.

anyway, just felt like talking about that to take my mind off my current situation. again, if you haven’t seen the fifth element go watch. now.

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why? just felt like it.

not sure why, but I felt like creating some kind of blog to serve as an outlet. i’ve been meaning to do it for a while now, but thoughts of “nobody would even read it” to “wait, do I even want people to read the bullshit I go through?” have played in my head and so, I kept putting it off. I’m at a point right now where I can’t really bottle up all of my emotions inside anymore, since I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember. so, here I am as a result.

I guess I can start with a little background info on me…

my name is marie, but not really. but you’ll deal with that. i’m 23 years old and i’m currently in school pursuing a business degree. if you need proof of why my life really isn’t shit: I don’t really know what my calling is. I’ve never really known. you know how kids say what they wanna be when they grow up? I never did that because I had no idea. still don’t. I basically started just telling people I want to own my own business one day, because it’s the most general answer and I guess I wouldn’t mind running my own show. except, I don’t think that’ll ever happen. why? because i’m the most negative thinker of all time and on top of that, I have anxiety and low confidence due to my childhood/adolescence. i’ll probably get into that some time later. maybe.

however, if you look at me you probably wouldn’t be able to tell any of this shit. why? because I don’t like people to know the real me. I put up a facade every single day … you’re probably thinking this is gonna go into some emo, deep quote by someone like marilyn monroe but nope, just being straight up. I don’t like pity. I hate it. I don’t like bothering people with my issues because I feel like it’s annoying to them. and again just for emphasis, I hate being pitied.

and yet, if I told someone exactly what goes on in my head, and what i’ve been through, i’d probably get a pity party thrown with balloons, and dranks and shit. I might get into it all little by little, but I can’t promise that. I’m actually surprised I even wrote this much for my first post, so who knows… point is, I ask myself “why?” about a million times a day. not sure if anyone else does this, but yeah. the word “why” is in regards to so many aspects of my life that I don’t understand, and so I find myself constantly saying it. inside my head, out loud, always.

why?