why am I not sure? 

woo, it’s been a minute! I’ll be honest and say I wasn’t planning on coming back to this thing, but … I’m here. just felt like writing and remembered I had a blog.

so much has happened since I last updated. SO much. for starters, I’m happily taken now. just when I was starting to think I’d be forever alone because of my issues, I found this guy. and I’ve told him almost everything about me. for anyone that knows me, that’s serious. I hate being open and honest about my life and personal issues to people. not only that, but I was telling this kid personal stuff from the first few conversations I had with him. that’s how I knew.

3 months in and although it sounds like a short time, the L word topic is booming. (no I’m not a lesbian, the other word.) no but really though, I’m at the point where I don’t know if I am or not. how do you know if you’re in love when you’ve never been in love? how does ANYONE know what being in love is? this shit is a foreign concept to me. all I know is, I care about dude a lot. and I love being with him. and I miss him when I’m not with him. but I also make up excuses to hold myself back from really getting attached to him because I’m afraid. of a lot of shit. also, he has a couple of ignorant views on things that bother me. don’t get me wrong, I’m never afraid to tell him what’s up. and when I do, he’s open to hearing my input and even agrees that he’s wrong sometimes. so I guess there was no point in mentioning that as a negative thing … see? I purposely try and find negative shit to hold me back.

anyway. I had a dream about 2 weeks ago that he died (morbid, I know) and I felt the oddest feeling. I told myself in the dream that it was like a kid getting a candy he/she really wants, and then someone just snatching it away from them. in other words, it was like I finally found the perfect person I needed, and then he was ripped away. unfair. but I woke up and was relieved to know it was just a dream.

so idk man, u tell me. does this sound like love to you? feel free to fill me in, love experts of the world. cuz I’m stuck.

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why? men.

I know, I know, it’s been a while fan(s). but I’ve been busy trying to get my shit together. so far, it’s been working. school catch-up + job hunt has been taking over my life.

a small part of my life is being taken over by men … ah, men. a beautiful, yet confusing ass species. so, I thought I’d talk about it.

*warning* long, but interesting story ahead.

for some back story, I’ve been single for…. let’s just say a long time. by choice. I have issues (y’all should know that by now) with letting people in. and I truly believe that in order to love someone, you need to love yourself first. which has been an ongoing mission of mine for years. 23 to be exact. I think I’ve been making progress. and altho I’ve been single, I’ve talked/messed with a fair share of guys.

so I met two guys from my school. one approached me, the other we somewhat approached each other? which was new for me. actually, I was the one who asked to exchange numbers so yeah. I’m glad I’ve been taking initiative, but at the same time when it doesn’t work out it makes me second guess myself and in turn, not wanna do it again. let me discuss it.

so, as I was sitting down in one of my school’s hallways waiting for my next class, this guy approaches me and says “hey, do you know if there’s any more rooms with free pianos?”
it turns out the room I was sitting outside of was a place where students can play pianos in different rooms. I guess he went inside and saw that they were all taken, so he decided to ask me. I proceeded to say “hmm, nope not that I know of, sorry. *sad face*” he said “that’s alright,” smiled and walked away. but then he came back a little while later and checked again. he came back out looking like no luck, and I said “you didn’t find any?”
“nope!” he said. “and I really just wanna play this one song stuck in my head…”
me: aw, hate when that happens.
(I don’t know why I said this, I mean I have played piano before but…bitch plz)
him: yeah, I just have like 40 minutes before my next class and had nothing to do, so.
me: haha, that’s me right now. I have a class in about 30.
so then we small talk about our majors, and he sees someone leave the room, so he realizes this is his opportunity to get one before someone else does.
him: looks like a room freed up, I really wanna try this song.
me: you should go then!
him: do you wanna join? if you wanna watch.
me: yeah, sure why not.

by this point I was chuckling in my head, like “yaaaas”….

so we go into this really small room with just a keyboard and 2 seats, and he closes the door. it was like the start of a porno, but not really doe.

he sits, I sit. and then he says:

him: yeah so, the song is ‘the message’ by nas.
(another internal yaaas from me, since nas is my fave rapper)
me: oh nice, that’s one of my faves from him, along with ‘new york state of mind’.
he agrees, and for the next couple of minutes I watch him try and play this song by ear. I kept encouraging him as he tried, being turned the fuck on while doing so. and then he made it a little awkward by mentioning how he and his ex used to play together. I was like “aw, that’s cute” … he didn’t skip a beat and said “I haven’t seen her in like a year tho.” I laughed internally.

he finally got the song down, and was mad excited about it. it was cute. he then started to play me beats he produced that were on his phone and told me he’d love to be a producer. he had this one beat that was actually really good. it sounded like a rihanna song. so I told him how much I loved it and he was so flattered. the time was speeding up, and by this point I had to head to class. so we walk out and start walking the hall and he says, “I can’t believe I really got it down. you were my good luck charm, thanks.” I was like aw, shit…. and then for the next couple of seconds I waited to see if he would ask for my number before I needed to head to the stairs … but nada. so I said fuck it, and told him “if you ever want more opinions on ur beats, u can send them to me.” *lifts up phone*

he replied “haha yeah sure, I’ll give u my number,” so he put it in my phone and then we said bye.

so that was cute right? sounds like the beginning of a love story and shit? too bad it wasn’t. I texted him so that he can save my number. and I think I used the wrong approach, because my dumbass wrote “hey. send beats whenever lmao – marie” and he was like “okay thank you!” and then never wrote anything else for the remainder of the day. me doing my usual negative thinking, I thought “ah shit, what if he thinks I’m just trying to like, steal his beats or something?” I probably sounded like a thief with my text. “hey send beats man! I got mad people that would want that shit”…. idk, but even when I tried texting him the other day (which btw made me realize I had never been on the thirsty end in my life and I wasn’t thrilled about it) about how nas had released a new song and it was his power. all he said was, “no way! I gotta check that out, thank you!”

and still no initiation of conversation since. like, thassit? that’s all you got? I thought we had a connection…. guess not tho. my gut tells me that he’s already speaking to someone and the reason HE didn’t ask for my number was because of that. or maybe I’m just uglee. kay lemme stop, but men are confusing doe. get your shit together, yo.

in the meantime, I’m still talking to the other guy who’s a little on the weird side, but I like it. but that’s another story for another day.

tty(‘all)l.

why haven’t I updated?

well, I’ve been focusing on catching up in school. I know I slacked off badly because I didn’t do so well on a test I took last week, so I need to be on my grind now. as for my skin issues, most of my face has cleared up. except for this one problem area on my upper lip. i’m not sure why it won’t fully cure there, but i’m still experiencing some oozing. sigh. I just wanna be 100%, but i’m not sure that’s gonna be possible. I have to keep an open mind and be content with what i’ve got.

so that’s all I got for now. stay tuned.

why … are things looking up?

sooo, I held back from updating because I wanted to make sure things were actually getting better … before jumping the gun and saying they’re getting better. yep, I’m a firm believer in jinxing yourself, because it happens to me all. the. time.

I feel like the moment I’m positive about something, some life force out there is like “oh? you’re feeling good? nah, not on my watch sis. *sends curse*”
…. forreal tho, that’s how it be sometimes.

ANYWAY, so the ointment I was given by my doctor has been working. see, even just saying that is worrying me that it’s going to eventually stop working. but for now, that’s what it is. and all I can do is thank god. and hope that continuing my good diet of eating more vegetables, less sugar/carbs will help prevent some future breakouts.

one complaint I am currently having is the fact that the diet I’ve been on has made me sooo skinny, and I’m not here for it honestly. my aunt told me I lost my butt and it almost sent me over the edge. that’s like a big fucking deal alright, cuz I used to pride myself in having an ass. we gotta fix that real soon…

one more month on this diet and then hopefully I can eat semi-normal again ….. and then squats! squats! SQUATS!

why? white privilege at its finest.

this isn’t supposed to be an attack, but more so, an observation.

so I’m at the dermatologist and there’s two other women waiting before me. ok fine. in comes this old white woman, maybe in her late 60s. the receptionist, who apparently had already spoken to her says, “yeah I’m sorry he’s backed up today, he came in a little late.” the woman then proceeds to complain about how she told her she needed to be out of here by 12:10 pm (it was 11:30 am), and that they should have informed her that it would be busy … strike one of showing her privilege. the receptionist wouldn’t have known it was going to be backed up today, and why should she bother to call this ONE woman up to inform her of this? girl, please.

the receptionist then apologizes and says she would have called if she had known the doctor would be late.

strike two of showing her privilege: the woman says “okay, well can he just see me now? I have a class to teach.”

???? no one asked you to make an appointment right before your class ma’am … anyway, here’s the rest of the convo:

receptionist: I understand, but these other people were before you and I can’t just let you go first.

woman: ok, but can’t he just see me really quickly, it’s for a small bite.

receptionist: I understand, but he can’t just look at you quickly and come up with a diagnosis. you just need to wait your turn.

woman: but I took the morning off for this, and I won’t be able to come back for a while. so why not just let me see him next? I need to be out of here soon.

receptionist: again, I understand, but these people have things to do as well and have been waiting longer.

she continues to ask why and thennnnn … ready for strike three? she asks each of us waiting if we would mind if she went before us. so the two other women kept their heads down and ignored … and dammit I wish I had gotten the memo. like why didn’t y’all inform me on the low that we were gonna ignore her????

so of COURSE she sees my dumbass look and pleads that I let her go before me. at this point I can’t help but say “it’s fine”. she says thank you. I immediately think to myself “fucking shit. why’d I have to give her the satisfaction of knowing that people like her can get their way each and every time”.

for the next 40 minutes (yes bitch you still had to wait), she continuously asked the receptionist “how much longer?” in a rude tone. how much longer?? … longer than my dumbass will have to wait, don’t worry!

listen, I don’t care what anyone says. this white woman proved that white privilege is very real. if she had been a POC, I think she would have realized we’re all in the same fucking boat and had given up within the first 5 minutes. why do I think that? because naturally, POC are not used to getting their own way most of the time. it’s instilled in us that society doesn’t just hand us a golden ticket whenever we want. so we give in. white people, however, are so used to everything being handed to them on a silver platter. it’s like the kid with the parent who spoils them and knows that if they’re persistent enough, they’ll get that candy they want. this was the perfect example.

this woman gets to go before me for a small bite on her neck, MEANWHILE I look like I have a disease on my face. but it’s my fault, I guess.

…white privilege must be great, man.

why? blame it on anyone but yourself

when times are hard, it’s so easy to wanna blame every force of nature for the bullshit you endure. one of the hardest things, for me at least, is when you realize you have no one to blame but yourself. YOU put yourself in this situation, no one else. YOU made this decision, no one made it for you. YOU control what happens to you, that’s it.

i’m going through this moment right now. realizing I made a situation worse by not doing what I needed to do. it sucks though, because I’m already hard on myself as it is. sometimes it makes the situation less shitty if you feel it was someone else’s fault, y’know?

sometimes it’s easier to just be like …. why?!?!

Dear researchers/scientists:

More specifically, ones that work on conditions of the body. I realize that there are life-threatening conditions that require tons of research in order to find cures, and that some of them have been in process for decades. I just have one simple petition, to any scientist or researcher out there that will look into what truly causes eczema. Eczema is a condition that affects millions of people daily, and often prevents them from living normal lives. I know that there has been research done, but I wish someone would go deeper. Find a solution to counteract the symptoms that cause this condition. And more importantly, I wish you could implement studies which prove that steroids prescribed for atopic dermatitis is a HORRIBLE idea. And make it aware to all doctors out there.

It’s probably a lot, but the millions of people suffering with this, including me, would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/make-it-count/

why? topical steroid withdrawal

I think I finally figured out what’s wrong with my skin. topical steroid withdrawal. if you don’t feel like googling, it’s when you overuse topical steroids such as creams like hydrocortisone for issues like eczema and your skin becomes addicted. in my case, I’ve been using those kinds of creams on my body for most of my life, and began using the hydrocortisone on my face three years ago. so basically, when you stop using them your skin goes through horrible withdrawal symptoms that can last for months to years. yay! and doctors prescribe these like nothing. not knowing the chaos they’re inflicting on people in the long run.

welp, I guess I have to deal with this now. really don’t know what I’m gonna do with this semester of school as this might get progressively worse….

why.

my list of top shows you should be watching on netflix/hulu/wherever.

not starting the title off with “why” this time, mostly because I didn’t know how to fit it in. don’t worry though, it’s still a thing.

so, if there’s anything i’m highly experienced and knowledgable in, it’s TV shows. I love them. I never really cared for them growing up, unless you count the kiddie shows and sitcoms. but when I was going through my issues about 3 summers ago, I turned to watching TV shows. and I couldn’t stop. they helped take my mind off things and some of them were so damn good. so I’m giving my list of top shows to watch on netflix, or hulu or wherever, for anyone that cares. I think I have good taste so …

1. Chuck

1024x768chuck_sarah1

hands down, my favorite show. I have the DVDs and I’ve watched it over many times. why is this my favorite show? because again, just like the fifth element, it has all the genres I love watching. action, comedy, suspense and romance. chuck is a show for everyone. I mean it. just watch the pilot, and if you’re not into it then you have no soul, and just … leave.

bonus: zachary levi and yvonne strahovski have the best chemistry I’ve ever seen in tv couple history. and they’re both hot as hell.

2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer-TV-Series

I don’t think I even need to explain this one. it’s hailed as one of the best TV shows ever. and rightfully so. Buffy is fucking amazing. if there’s anything I love, it’s an ass-kicking female lead. and sarah michelle gellar does an amazing job portraying the character, who honestly serves as the perfect idol for any person watching.

3. Dexter

dexter

I’ve always had a morbid curiosity about many things. growing up i’d watch stuff like forensic files and ghost hunters and shit, and enjoyed every second of it. so when I first heard about dexter, I was sold. going inside the mind of a serial killer? yeah, I’m in. and I’m glad I gave it a shot because it’s really amazing in different ways. there’s people who say the show goes downhill after season 4, but I don’t really agree. I do think you can skip season 7 if you want. it’s about religion stuff … if you needed a reason. people also didn’t like the way the show ended, but I think it worked out in some ways.

if anything, watch season 4. one of the best season finales of TV ever.

4. Breaking Bad

Breaking-Bad

really don’t think I need to explain this one…

5. Orange is The New Black

ORANGE

this shouldn’t really be in my top list since the show hasn’t ended and therefore still has a chance of going to shit. but for now, orange is a great, great show. the 95% female cast is enough of a reason to love it. add to that the fact that there’s so much diversity amongst them. my personal favorite part is the Latina group. I honestly have never watched a show that depicted the people I grew up with, so it’s always so refreshing and cool to watch them. not only that, but they’re an integral part of the cast, not just background characters.

bonus shows I love:

arrow – great comic depiction.

scandal – good, messy ass TV.

house of cards – the smart one of the bunch.

it’s always sunny in philadelphia – funny as hell. also, fucked up.

shameless (US) – title says it all.

friday night lights – mostly seasons 4 and 5 because michael b. jordan.

parenthood – mostly season 2 because michael b. jordan.

alias – i’m still watching this, but another great female ass-kicking lead.

the blacklist – also currently watching. good FBI drama.

and dassit!